Baby Blues

A friend asked me recently if I ever suffered from post partum depression.  I told her, "No.  I suffered from an identity crisis."  I say that with humor now, and NOW, I can define it.  Then, I wasn't sure what I was feeling.  Hopefully this post will help my friend and other new mothers.  

It probably was post partum depression, as it would be defined in the medical world, but to me, I didn't feel depressed.  I felt lost.  I was so use to "my life" whatever you want to think of that as, and here a new infant had changed everything.  EVERYTHING I had done or could do previous to having a child was changed.  EVERYTHING.  So, I felt lost.  I felt like I was not myself, because I wasn't.  I had to redefine me in my new role.  I was no longer Erin.  I was mom.  And I didn't know what mom felt like, and I didn't know how mom should act or react for that matter. 

For you that have had children, you probably understand what I mean.  But for you who have not, it's difficult to try to help you wrap your thoughts around the feelings I felt.  And even you husbands, you have an idea, but not a full grasp on what being a new mom is.  Let me try to help you understand my identity crisis.

Every part of my life changed.  I changed physically, emotionally, mentally....I could no longer wake up when I chose.  I could no longer sleep all night long.  I could no longer take a shower whenever I felt like it, or for as long as I'd like.  I could no longer wear certain clothes because they didn't work so well for nursing, or they didn't fit at all due to my new...shape.  Even when night came, I couldn't relax in my old p.j.'s because I had to wear my bra all night to prevent my milk from leaking everywhere.  I could no longer eat normal because eating certain foods caused "reactions" in my baby.  I had to eat when maybe I didn't want to, because my baby depended on my calorie intake.  I could no longer leave the house whenever to go wherever.  I had to time things out.  I had to wait.  I had to learn.  I had to train myself on this new FULL TIME job.  Although I received more than enough advice from well seasoned mothers, it didn't help much because each baby is different, and I'm different than each mom.  What worked for them seemed ridiculous for us!  I was on my own.  AND to make me more uptight, this wasn't a normal job.  I was raising a human being!!  I was in charge of another life, another soul.  TALK ABOUT PRESSURE.  (Which I still feel everyday, by the way.)  So, not only did I have to start redefining my own life, I was defining a life for the first time EVER.  Finally, just when you think you've got it figured out, something changes.  A growth spurt, diaper rash, nightmares, weather changes...so then you begin the defining over again.  It feels like you're starting from square one.     

Sounds pretty bleak huh?  Well, at times, it was.  There were many tears of sadness and confusion, BUT... I can't express how grateful I am for the opportunity.  For in redefining myself, I've learned more about what life is really all about.  I've been changed for the better.  AND now that I've been in the role of mom for awhile, I'm understanding more and more every day, and hopefully getting better at it too. 

So, for all you new moms who feel like you may be suffering from "depression", it's okay.  You're redefining who you are and what's most important in life, and that sometimes isn't so fun.  But, the rewards are the most important too.